I'm just...worthless.

I just...I feel like I'm stuck between a rock and a hard place. I'm always alone...All I wanted to do was come home and I'm alone anyway. I dont wanna be used and...left behind and...all those things I used to let happen to me, I'm done with it. I just...I feel like nothing ever works out for me...Ever. Even little things... And I dont know why. If it's karma, I'd love to know what I did to deserve this. I'm a good person goddamnit. I'm nice to people, I'm a polite person...I help people, even when I dont know them or it's not convenient...I am a good person. Im a fucking good person. But still...somehow...things just...dont pan out for me. Like...I...whatever. You know, my sister...she's 12, and she's a gymnast, and she's got like straight A's in the smart kid school, and she's like...taking latin and all kinds of other crazy shit and she's got her friends and shes...skinny and pretty and I'm just...nothing. I'm a college dropout. I have no skills, and...no...life. I have nothing going for me anymore. Not that I ever did. I'm hopeless. I just wanna lay down and die. I know its ridiculous and stupid but I feel like my life's not going anywhere anyway so what the fuck is the point anymore? I feel like I just hit the cutoff point. Live well or die fast. I'm just not...worth anything in the world. I have no place.

I...really...

I'm beginning to hate who I've become. And by beginning, I mean I've kinda hated me for a while now. I have absolutely no self confidence or self worth, and it's affecting my absolutely everything. Every aspect of my life. I just dont know what to do with myself anymore. I'm terrified of life. I see John, and I dont understand why every girl under 5'5" in the world isnt going after him. He's cute, he's got a great personality, he's a sweet guy, he's got his life on track...He's got a plan for the future, he's fucking ripped...I mean I'm kindof starting to think I'm more jealous of him than having fuzzy feelings for him. He's better than me. I feel like everyone has a big old fancy plan for life but me. I feel like I'm just the only one who has no idea what the fuck to do with my life. I feel like I'm on the edge...I dont know. Im sick.

There's no feeling in the world,

That's worse than wishing for your own death. When every day is such a struggle to find meaning, purpose, reason. Some days I want nothing more than to just lay down and sleep, and never wake up. I can only hope that things will pick up, you know? I'll find some way of making sense of everything. I'll find passion, love, peace. At the same time though...I feel like thats such a feeble hope. A feeble dream. Something I can hope for my whole life and never achieve. I'm just tired of feeling like this. Death would be so much easier. I understand completely why suicide rates among college students are the highest. It's...the point in your life where everything really starts to matter and if you cant pull your shit together, you're screwed. Forever. College is the beginning...or the end.

I'm so tired...

I just...I dont know. As much as I wanted to get out and socialize and whatnot...I'm just so tired. I..dont know..whats..wrong with me. Ever. It's ridiculous. I feel like I cant breathe. Like one big long panic attack. I just wanna...go...home. I just want to live my life. I dont know why I cant. There's always something holding me back. Sometimes I just..feel like..I could lay down and just die. Let everything go, and whatever happens happens. I always feel like the whole world is ending. Everything just got so intense...but empty? Like, I stand outside with my ipod and my cigarette and I cant focus on anything. People go by, busses, cars, whatever...and it's just the whole world passing me by. Time keeps moving and I cant keep up. It just keeps winding...and...twisting and turning and I just cant keep up with it. I'm missing something...and I'm not where I should be. I'm not doing what I'm supposed to be doing. Thing should be happening and I'm just not letting anything happen. I'm not pushing myself to get things done. The world feels like such a small place when you cant make yourself live the life you know you're supposed to live. I cant even...I dont know. Like...How do people survive when everything...If you just dont make the cut? They make the world seem like if you cant be successful by the age of like, fourteen, you're just absolutely screwed for the rest of your life. I guess thats not true but I've reached a point in my life where I feel like if I'm not successful, if I cant make something happen, if I cant make the cut...I just...Do we just get cut from the world? How do we move forward from nothing?

I just kindof feel like dying.

And I really dont know what to do about it anymore. I just...want to curl up into a ball...and die. Just sleep forever. I keep hoping something horrible happens to me. And the thing is...I dont even really want to die. I want to be happy and responsible and successful but I dont know how, and I feel so fucking hopeless these days...I just...I cant...I dont know.

I need help. I know I need help...I just dont know how to get it...or accept it...or deal with it. I cant even just be good at dealing with being bad. I fucking suck at everything. Fucking misery. I hate complaining. I hate being the one sitting here bitching and moaning about my life. Poor fucking me, ok? I dont know.. Fuck this.

The thing is,

All I want to do with this kid is have sex. I was thinking about it at the club last night and I decided I'ma go after him, for that. Thats all. And the more I think about it, the more interesting the thought gets. Its making my mind reel. Like, this would totally be the one time a guy wants to like me when all I want is finally fucking sex. I mean I've said it but I've imagined the possibilities too, you know? I'm not even going there. I dont even know him. I dont even want to. Get in, get out, get gone. I just...I almost dont even want him to know me. Like, I dont want him to care or not care about my issues and mental instability bullshit. I want to be able to pretend like everything is all well and good when I'm around him. Sex is freedom. If I dont know you, and you dont know me, we cant have all those messy emotions and compromized situations. So really, it's perfect. If I can pull it off.


I'm over Chad. For good, this time, I think. Completely.
It's Alex I'm worried about.
What a turn of events.

Man...there's something wrong with me.

i cant eat.
i cant sleep.
i'm so tired.
but I cant sleep.

i need...to get out of this place.

i'm so fucking hot.
and it's so fucking cold.
i feel crowded.
claustrophobic.
i think i just had some kind of panic/anxiety attack.
i cant breathe.
im itchy all the fuck over.
what the fuck is wrong with me.
why am i so broken.
why cant i just suck it up and move on like everybody else.
this is absolutely rediculous.
there's no need for this.

everyone else goes to college and graduates and gets a job.
all the while partying and smoking weed and getting drunk and having causual sex and they still become fucking doctors and lawyers and business men and shit.

why am i the only one that cant suck this shit up and just fucking do it.
im such a fucking emo kid.
it's absolutely rediculous.
like i dont contain the genes that make it possible to be happy.
normal.
i just want to be fucking normal, dude, just fucking normal.

i....god.

I have class at 10:10. I'd love to be asleep right now.
but im not.
because i cant.
and theres no point in even trying when i know it's not going to happen.
smirnoff is brutal, man, fucking brutal.
that shit is stronger than fucking jager.
jager makes me nervous but straight smirnoff is definately worse.

why am i trying to drink myself to sleep.
im not an alcoholic.
im a fucking fraidy cat.
im so afraid of life, to let things fucking happen.
everyone sees it too.
my mom knows she wasted 20 grand for me to go to college and i cant even fucking function like a normal fucking human being.

i keep asking myself what the point of living is if im just going to have a fucking breakdown every other day.

i keep saying im not much for suicide.
and im not.
but honestly...this is getting rediculous.
i need help, but i dont know how to do it on my own.
i dont know how to do anything on my own.
i cant sleep, i cant eat, i cant breathe, im anxious, nervous, hot, itchy.....

im fucking freaking out.
this is completely unneccessary.
this is not ok.

fuck my life, man, just fuck it.

fuck it off a cliff.
fuck it up the ass.
one fuck two fuck red fuck blue fuck.

i fucking love dr. suess.

i really dont want to drink myself to the point where im throwing up.

thats all for now i guess.

thanks.
bye.

I can feel you in my bones.

I dont understand why I feel this way. The thing is, I dont even know you. I was fine a couple of days ago, but the more I think about this, the more I dwell on it, the crazier I seem to get. I can barely concentrate on anything else. I was already starting to have anxiety issues before, but this is just...amplifying the problem by SO much. I'm having trouble eating, sleeping, staying awake...even breathing. I feel like there's just this deadweight on my chest.

And the worst part is, I dont even know why.

Everything that happened, its well into the past. It's gone. I barely know this guy. I feel like I'm fucking thirteen again. Like there's some deepseated fucking psychological issue involved in this. What did you do to me? What the fuck did you do?

Why dont you fucking understand how much this is killing me? Why dont I? My god... I need help. Like, this is absolutely rediculous. It's been five years, I've grown up, I'm a COMPLETELY different person and this is still crawling under my skin. Really. I would love to be...examined...and...analyzed by somebody who's proffessional and not me.

I wonder.

For the last five years, I've gone through various stages of coping with the loss of someone who stole my heart too young. At first, I cried. For like, a month straight. Every day. I was thirteen, he was gone, and I didnt know why. I blamed myself, I blamed him, but either way, it made no sense.



As I got older, I figured out what it was. I learned about men and their games. It all kinda came together after that...but a part of me still, was attached. I think thats just because he was a lot of firsts for me, and I was young, and so I got more attached than I should have. I didnt know better, but what can you do? It makes sense now. I'm not angry, or sad, anymore. I understand that my passion for him was product of the passion I thought he felt for me. It was the effect of a misunderstanding, if you will. He used me, took innocence away from me, introduced me to a conflict-filled world where I dont know how to hand someone my heart, my soul, and my unending trust. I guess those dont sound like the words of somebody who's let go of their anger, but I have. It's over and done, it's in the past, and there's really nothing anybody can do to change it.

I guess the point of this post is to say, I spoke with him last night for a few hours, for the first time in a couple of years. It's happened like that a lot since way back when. His girlfriend on and off for the last five years finally dumped him, and he's hurting. I guess he's either turning to me because I'm still willing to be his friend after all this time, or because he thinks he'll get something out of me. Maybe both. Who knows, he probably will. I'm just...exploring what it means to me now...I invited him to come hang out here at school with me, and, looking back on the invitation I realize I really did only extend the invitation because I think he'd enjoy himself and he's a friend I havent seen or spoken to in a while. I'm not....looking for anything, not hoping for anything...It just, is what it is. And so shall it be.


And so shall it be.

To new beginnings, that mean nothing. Maybe this is the way to save myself.

so, college.

I dont know. I'm kinda going crazy out here...it's such a big campus but I'm getting cabin fever. I dont know anyone. Ive hung with julie a couple times and will continue to do so since I dont have my own friends, but...I dont know. I miss home. I miss michelle, and mike, and..even alex. I miss my fucking sister for gods sake. My family! I miss my family. Im so lonely. I dont..I dont know. I hope when classes start I make more friends...It's gonna be a really shitty semester if I dont. I cant go through college alone. I miss fucking cumby's, and scampering off to other towns to see people I havent seen, and long nights driving around in circles with michelle, and clubbing with her in worcestor, and getting lost, and watching mike make a fool of himself, and drive-by's on rob and steve and everyone..craning to see if brian was home, all that stuff. I miss it. I hate..alone.

Yup...Losing the fight.

Like I said before..I'm going to lose this. And I am. I did, actually. A little over a week ago I just...called the whole thing off. Broke it off, you know? I had the house to myself for an entire week and two and half days off, and he spent them with his pal Angel and...not me. Hes happy with Angel...and not..me. Tuesday night while I was working, he kept trying to get at me via text. Like really, really tried. Apparently all you have to do to get attention from your boyfriend is break up with him. I dont know. So wednesday night after work he picked me up and we went for a drive and he told me all about how hes going back to school and this that and the other thing and he was...normal. Not quiet and sad and lost in his own thoughts. It was weird, but good. We went back to his house and had a long talk that ended in trying the whole thing again. I kindof slept through thursday night, he called but either he didnt really want to see me or he didnt want to interrupt my sleep...who knows. So I send him a text after work today, whats up, you know? He's all..chillin. I ask if hes with anyone and he just says yeah. I say, Angel? Yeah. Oh..well..have fun then. O...k. O..k? What the fuck. Try...sorry hun we'll hang tomorrow. You know..something good. Anything good. My god. Little later I say, youre prolly dropping him off sunday or monday then? He doesnt know. Angel's always at his house all fucking weekend. He doesnt sleep over one night at a time. Three or four nights is his gig. When this kid crashes, he crashes, and I dont get to see my boyfriend, and he doesnt bother to try to adjust the situation. I asked him around 12 if I would get to see him at all this weekend. He says maybe I think so. Maybe I think so...Maybe I think so?? Try yeah sorry hun I'm dropping him off tomorrow when do you get out of work we'll do something cool and then go back to my house and be together all night until you have to work on sunday! My god. I was under the impression that having a boyfriend meant they wanted to see you more often than not. Or..you know..EVER. I dont know man..if nothing changes..Im just gonna move on. If I cant have him, I'd like to atleast have myself. I was perfectly fine alone. He pulled me in..It feels like its just a game. He was so good to me at first to pull me in and now hes just keeping me because he needs somebody to be there. And Ive done nothing BUT be there for him and try to help him and do whats best for him and ignore whats best for me. Its not fair. Im better to him than Im sure anyones been and he just treats me like im not even there. Thats not ok. Im not a relationship person. I guess there was a damn good reason for it. I just dont know why I keep forgetting it.

For all I didnt learn,

I'm screwed. Again. Every fucking bulletin here is, ooh men men suck I hate men boo men this man that man men men men. You would THINK I've learned. But Hey, apparently not.

Alex. Yes, that Alex. I..found him, or..he found me, or whatever, again..and somehow...we ended up...together. And it was perfect. It felt right, and it felt amazing and perfect. And now...I just dont know. He still loves his last one. Now I know when hes quiet and troubled...he's thinking about her. You know? I dont know.

Its just hard. It feels like the relationship is being held together by threads. It's just hard. I wish he could have told me before I got involved and attached and all of that, you know? My god. It was sooo perfect...this is insane. Why didnt he tell me, why didnt I know better...

I could ask those questions all day,
but I'm at work, so I really cant.

Bye. Wish me luck.


But I dont need it. I'm going to lose this fight anyway.

The thing about men is,

that they rather suck, a rather lot. My leg is asleep.

Sweeney Todd was fucking incredible. Just..wonderful. Tim Burton is ungodly godly, johnny depp, helena bonham carter, alan rickman..cant go wrong there.

Men, those go wrong. Nick..nick. I dont know. Its been almost a week since..our..thing, and no word. I dont even know what to expect. Or think. I mean, I let myself into that situation fully aware that its not going any further than what it is, but I dont know if its appropriate to think that it'll even continue this way. Remind me never to pick up someone married..Thatd be a mess and a half. Whatever. Im over it. My favorite words.

nick, Justin, Mike..fuck em. fuck em all. Mike danny dave josh chad alex..fuck them too. and whoever else needs to be rammed up the ass. Fuck em.

New years sucked. But I got into college. And I might hang out with evan tomorrow. I miss evan..

But i hate men.


Fuck em.