I wonder.

For the last five years, I've gone through various stages of coping with the loss of someone who stole my heart too young. At first, I cried. For like, a month straight. Every day. I was thirteen, he was gone, and I didnt know why. I blamed myself, I blamed him, but either way, it made no sense.



As I got older, I figured out what it was. I learned about men and their games. It all kinda came together after that...but a part of me still, was attached. I think thats just because he was a lot of firsts for me, and I was young, and so I got more attached than I should have. I didnt know better, but what can you do? It makes sense now. I'm not angry, or sad, anymore. I understand that my passion for him was product of the passion I thought he felt for me. It was the effect of a misunderstanding, if you will. He used me, took innocence away from me, introduced me to a conflict-filled world where I dont know how to hand someone my heart, my soul, and my unending trust. I guess those dont sound like the words of somebody who's let go of their anger, but I have. It's over and done, it's in the past, and there's really nothing anybody can do to change it.

I guess the point of this post is to say, I spoke with him last night for a few hours, for the first time in a couple of years. It's happened like that a lot since way back when. His girlfriend on and off for the last five years finally dumped him, and he's hurting. I guess he's either turning to me because I'm still willing to be his friend after all this time, or because he thinks he'll get something out of me. Maybe both. Who knows, he probably will. I'm just...exploring what it means to me now...I invited him to come hang out here at school with me, and, looking back on the invitation I realize I really did only extend the invitation because I think he'd enjoy himself and he's a friend I havent seen or spoken to in a while. I'm not....looking for anything, not hoping for anything...It just, is what it is. And so shall it be.


And so shall it be.

To new beginnings, that mean nothing. Maybe this is the way to save myself.