There's no feeling in the world,

That's worse than wishing for your own death. When every day is such a struggle to find meaning, purpose, reason. Some days I want nothing more than to just lay down and sleep, and never wake up. I can only hope that things will pick up, you know? I'll find some way of making sense of everything. I'll find passion, love, peace. At the same time though...I feel like thats such a feeble hope. A feeble dream. Something I can hope for my whole life and never achieve. I'm just tired of feeling like this. Death would be so much easier. I understand completely why suicide rates among college students are the highest. It's...the point in your life where everything really starts to matter and if you cant pull your shit together, you're screwed. Forever. College is the beginning...or the end.

I'm so tired...

I just...I dont know. As much as I wanted to get out and socialize and whatnot...I'm just so tired. I..dont know..whats..wrong with me. Ever. It's ridiculous. I feel like I cant breathe. Like one big long panic attack. I just wanna...go...home. I just want to live my life. I dont know why I cant. There's always something holding me back. Sometimes I just..feel like..I could lay down and just die. Let everything go, and whatever happens happens. I always feel like the whole world is ending. Everything just got so intense...but empty? Like, I stand outside with my ipod and my cigarette and I cant focus on anything. People go by, busses, cars, whatever...and it's just the whole world passing me by. Time keeps moving and I cant keep up. It just keeps winding...and...twisting and turning and I just cant keep up with it. I'm missing something...and I'm not where I should be. I'm not doing what I'm supposed to be doing. Thing should be happening and I'm just not letting anything happen. I'm not pushing myself to get things done. The world feels like such a small place when you cant make yourself live the life you know you're supposed to live. I cant even...I dont know. Like...How do people survive when everything...If you just dont make the cut? They make the world seem like if you cant be successful by the age of like, fourteen, you're just absolutely screwed for the rest of your life. I guess thats not true but I've reached a point in my life where I feel like if I'm not successful, if I cant make something happen, if I cant make the cut...I just...Do we just get cut from the world? How do we move forward from nothing?

I just kindof feel like dying.

And I really dont know what to do about it anymore. I just...want to curl up into a ball...and die. Just sleep forever. I keep hoping something horrible happens to me. And the thing is...I dont even really want to die. I want to be happy and responsible and successful but I dont know how, and I feel so fucking hopeless these days...I just...I cant...I dont know.

I need help. I know I need help...I just dont know how to get it...or accept it...or deal with it. I cant even just be good at dealing with being bad. I fucking suck at everything. Fucking misery. I hate complaining. I hate being the one sitting here bitching and moaning about my life. Poor fucking me, ok? I dont know.. Fuck this.