It's never over, unless you let it break you.

And so the world turns.  Life goes on and on as the faces around us change and the visions around us fade.  We are absorbed in our worlds until we are absorbed into another, so the only thing left to do when one is absorbed in a miserable world is to hope for the next big change.  One should stop watching opportunities fly away on golden wings when you had the chance to grab on.

I'm stuck on him.

But you could change that.

Are you who I think you are?

Can you make me who I want to be?

Who better?

We shall see.

October 28th...

I'd like to first take the time to tell you that today is seven years since our first last goodbye. I guess I'll never forget it, but at least it took until 11:05 to remember. Rad.

Totally beside the point. Old news. On to more pressing matters. I'm barely scraping by on my lowly $10.25/hour. Not so much keeping up with the bills and all that...well. Slowly but surely. It's a little sporadic though. I need to pass this test and I NEED to get a fucking raise. For all the shit I do for that store...I need a goddamn mother fucking raise. Balls!

Which brings me to situation #2...SO Awkward. Well...Yeah, the situation is awkward. I'm so effing paranoid I cant even get into it. I wish I could, because it drives me crazy and I think about it far too often.

It's funny though, how I'm not more articulate...If I was, if I was an artist of language, I would write so many stories. Or books. I plan out our future together constantly, every nook and cranny of our up and coming love. Even though...I hardly know you. I spend time with you, yes, but not exclusively, and not a terrible lot. We are social in passing. Or whatever. But somehow, I've mapped us out entirely...and traced our course around the twelve billion obstacles that are clearly in our way. I pretend you love me and I pretend we're happy. I'm directing a film in my head.

The odds of my film playing out?

Slim.

Probably none.

Even if there is something there...

There's just far too much ahead of us. It wont be.



But it's kindof too bad.

Be runnin' up that hill.

If I only could make a deal with God...I'd get him to swap our places.

I feel like the last two years have flown by sometimes, but when I look back at things like this it occurs to me just how long two years really is. I've fallen in and out of love so many times with so many people...So many experiences have come and gone and I've lost friends and made new ones.

Here I am, still, though. In the same places, with the same future ahead of me.

No future ahead of me.

I'm going for my national pharmacy technician certification next week. If I pass that test, things should look up. At least a little bit more than they have been.

It's 1:58. I have work at 3...I need to vacuum, change, wash a couple of dishes, and collect my thoughts.

Celtics/Heat tonight..LETSDOIT.

I just...dont get it.

Michelle...is losing patience with Chad. Which is fine, because I already have, but she continues to defend Matt...even though they're guilty of the same crimes. She's all bent out of shape because Matt's girlfriend told some kid that Matt's got a small dick...which, granted, is a bitch move..But Michelle did the same thing to Chad. That, and Matt fucking deserves it. He cheated on Kate[his girlfriend.] That and he told a few people he was only with her to make his ex jealous...Thus making him a scumbag..because he cheated on his ex too. And the girl before that. He's been jerking Danielle around for years. S-c-u-m. But Michelle continues to make Kate out to be the bitch...and I just dont get it. Beyond that, Mike's...becoming more and more blind by the day. He loves Michelle so much, and whether she thinks she made a mistake in leaving him or not, the truth stands that she's not planning to get back together with him. He's spending all kinds of time with her, and staying at her house, and taking care of her child, and cleaning up her place, etc. and so forth...Sleeping with her...I dont know if they're having sex, but...Basically what I'm trying to say is that she's getting all the benefits of the relationship...Except that she's not obligated to him in any way shape or form, which is what she's avoiding at all costs right now. She doesnt want to have to have anyone to answer to. So basically, Mike is making himself available to her as her bitch. He was finally listening to me, taking my advice to heart and to practice, and now...I feel like I'm losing him back to his ignorant void. He's become so comfortable back in his little niche, but he doesnt..fully understand deep down that she's not his girl anymore. Sooner or later she's going to see something she likes, whether it be for play or for a serious relationship...and believe me when I say he's not going to stop her from going for whoever it is. Nothing he says will change her mind, and his existance certainly wont. He'll either have to deal with it, or she'll push him out and he'll have to deal with it...and god knows I'm going to have to pick up the pieces of Mike AGAIN. I'm so angry with him right now...I just...Dont get why he's doing this to himself. I talked him through the break up, I was there for him EVERY second, I gave him everything I could, and he's throwing it all away...after all he went through...he's throwing it all away.

I'm just...worthless.

I just...I feel like I'm stuck between a rock and a hard place. I'm always alone...All I wanted to do was come home and I'm alone anyway. I dont wanna be used and...left behind and...all those things I used to let happen to me, I'm done with it. I just...I feel like nothing ever works out for me...Ever. Even little things... And I dont know why. If it's karma, I'd love to know what I did to deserve this. I'm a good person goddamnit. I'm nice to people, I'm a polite person...I help people, even when I dont know them or it's not convenient...I am a good person. Im a fucking good person. But still...somehow...things just...dont pan out for me. Like...I...whatever. You know, my sister...she's 12, and she's a gymnast, and she's got like straight A's in the smart kid school, and she's like...taking latin and all kinds of other crazy shit and she's got her friends and shes...skinny and pretty and I'm just...nothing. I'm a college dropout. I have no skills, and...no...life. I have nothing going for me anymore. Not that I ever did. I'm hopeless. I just wanna lay down and die. I know its ridiculous and stupid but I feel like my life's not going anywhere anyway so what the fuck is the point anymore? I feel like I just hit the cutoff point. Live well or die fast. I'm just not...worth anything in the world. I have no place.

I...really...

I'm beginning to hate who I've become. And by beginning, I mean I've kinda hated me for a while now. I have absolutely no self confidence or self worth, and it's affecting my absolutely everything. Every aspect of my life. I just dont know what to do with myself anymore. I'm terrified of life. I see John, and I dont understand why every girl under 5'5" in the world isnt going after him. He's cute, he's got a great personality, he's a sweet guy, he's got his life on track...He's got a plan for the future, he's fucking ripped...I mean I'm kindof starting to think I'm more jealous of him than having fuzzy feelings for him. He's better than me. I feel like everyone has a big old fancy plan for life but me. I feel like I'm just the only one who has no idea what the fuck to do with my life. I feel like I'm on the edge...I dont know. Im sick.

There's no feeling in the world,

That's worse than wishing for your own death. When every day is such a struggle to find meaning, purpose, reason. Some days I want nothing more than to just lay down and sleep, and never wake up. I can only hope that things will pick up, you know? I'll find some way of making sense of everything. I'll find passion, love, peace. At the same time though...I feel like thats such a feeble hope. A feeble dream. Something I can hope for my whole life and never achieve. I'm just tired of feeling like this. Death would be so much easier. I understand completely why suicide rates among college students are the highest. It's...the point in your life where everything really starts to matter and if you cant pull your shit together, you're screwed. Forever. College is the beginning...or the end.