For all I didnt learn,

I'm screwed. Again. Every fucking bulletin here is, ooh men men suck I hate men boo men this man that man men men men. You would THINK I've learned. But Hey, apparently not.

Alex. Yes, that Alex. I..found him, or..he found me, or whatever, again..and somehow...we ended up...together. And it was perfect. It felt right, and it felt amazing and perfect. And now...I just dont know. He still loves his last one. Now I know when hes quiet and troubled...he's thinking about her. You know? I dont know.

Its just hard. It feels like the relationship is being held together by threads. It's just hard. I wish he could have told me before I got involved and attached and all of that, you know? My god. It was sooo perfect...this is insane. Why didnt he tell me, why didnt I know better...

I could ask those questions all day,
but I'm at work, so I really cant.

Bye. Wish me luck.


But I dont need it. I'm going to lose this fight anyway.

The thing about men is,

that they rather suck, a rather lot. My leg is asleep.

Sweeney Todd was fucking incredible. Just..wonderful. Tim Burton is ungodly godly, johnny depp, helena bonham carter, alan rickman..cant go wrong there.

Men, those go wrong. Nick..nick. I dont know. Its been almost a week since..our..thing, and no word. I dont even know what to expect. Or think. I mean, I let myself into that situation fully aware that its not going any further than what it is, but I dont know if its appropriate to think that it'll even continue this way. Remind me never to pick up someone married..Thatd be a mess and a half. Whatever. Im over it. My favorite words.

nick, Justin, Mike..fuck em. fuck em all. Mike danny dave josh chad alex..fuck them too. and whoever else needs to be rammed up the ass. Fuck em.

New years sucked. But I got into college. And I might hang out with evan tomorrow. I miss evan..

But i hate men.


Fuck em.

Will you sleep tonight?

I've given a lot of thought

to the nights we used to have

the days have come and gone

our lives went by so fast.

I wonder if I can indent. Guess not. Anyway. Life..

Justin..went nowhere. Now hes dating married girl. Because hes a fucking idiot. And a deuchbag. Men. I guess I learned again though! Just when I was starting to think they arent ALL bad, he was a nice fresh reminder of why I dont get involved. Him and Mike. Thanks guys.

Michelle's..like..I dont know. I'm thankful that I still have her through everything. Even though it's limited time..Its good time. I missed having her to roll off of. We're a unique couple of gals. I N-Joy it. Its..christmas eve. I turn 18 in three months.

I feel..detached. Like Im watching myself from the outside.

propped up by lies and promises..

I...am really friggin cold. I..decided this was the best place go..express my..inner..dilemma. As is always the case.
The disclaimer..The fact that i only post one blog per month at max would tend to make me appear rather boy crazy..or..slutty in fact, but i promise this has not always been the case. The last post just so happened to include the first..guy. Kindof earmarked the re-entry of man-related issues into my life. Ive been avoiding men and relationships and shit like that all together for so long that its weird now that I have..to..even think about..shit..like..that. Im used to it being cut and dry or not there and I'm just straight up uncomfortable with the thought of having a crush on a guy. Especially when it is clearly not going to work. Too many circumstances. I dont know. I like him though. I mean im not sure to what..degree like him, but I do, and he..appears to like me but in all liklihood thats his crack at getting me to..get him laid. But I hope not. So much its sickening. I got all smiles and shit when he called me today. I'm not 12 anymore. God. I just dont know. It cant work, let it go.

I just cant help it.

Dont feed me lies about some idealistic future.

"And I thought,

this could be a brand new start

with you..and it will be clear,

if i wake up and youre still here,

with me... in the morning."

This weekend didnt suck. I stayed home with my sister friday night, and nothing cool really happened. Saturday afternoon I was home with puppy and Dan called me..first time in a few weeks. I got ready, he came over, I finished getting ready, and we headed out for lunch..little shopping at the mall, and then to his house for a little while before meeting Julie at the 99. We headed over to Mike's house after that..BUT he wasnt home yet, so we went to a parking lot and..got started on certain aspects of the night. Mike called, we went back to his house, went upstairs, went downstairs, played some pool, and then Mike and Dan went to go..buy..stuff, while Julie and I went back to her house to be crafty and clever. We all met back at Mikes about an hour and a half later and really got started..Played some 64, got my ass kicked..Played kings, totally DIDNT lose the king part, and played yet more pool. I went upstairs with Mike.

We went back down and watched a movie..everyone woke up after the movie and we spent an hour trying to find Denny's at 3 in the morning. Things seemed kindof tense between us. Julie and I went back to her house and Dan dropped Mike off and went home. I think.

I dont know. No feelings, that's the deal.

that's..always the deal.

Its all about enforcement.

drowning.

I..had such an incredible weekend. Saturday was..just..perfect. I got to hang out with Michelle, and Dan..We went to Jon's apartment. Fel and Jon's boy were there..Then Michelle went home, but Ceci showed up..Then her friend, who might have been James. It was just..nice. Being surrounded by friends. Friends. Thus far..None of them have done..anything horrible to me. I forgot what that felt like. Around 11:30, Julie picked me up. We went to Worm town with Mike and Sarah, drove around looking for something to do, gave up and went back to Julies after dropping off Sarah and Mike. Then we drank, all night. Natural high combined with drunkenness..It was beautiful. We had fun..I hope she had fun too..Just, a good time. Now..I just..feel like Im crashing. I forgot what it felt like to just be that happy, that content. Even before we were drinking, I was just high as hell, drug-free. Now...it's like coming down. From anything. Except amplified by a billion. Im just so sad. I..dont think Ive been this down since I started my job. I dont know how I handled feeling like this all the time last year. I just..want to lay down and die. I need a distraction...

Birds gotta fly, fish gotta swim.

I want to talk to Joel. I feel like he could make me feel better. Or atleast take my mind off things.

I had a fight about P with her earlier. Idunno. I told her I wasnt gonna go to his place with her anymore, for a while anyway, cuz I thought it was best that she not hang out with him 24/7 anymore..But obviously if she wants to theres nothing I can do except not..go. All the time. You know? I guess..I dont know. But she got mad at me..Yuck. who knows, man, who knows. I give up. I wanna talk to Joel. Bye.

♥me.