Dont feed me lies about some idealistic future.

"And I thought,

this could be a brand new start

with you..and it will be clear,

if i wake up and youre still here,

with me... in the morning."

This weekend didnt suck. I stayed home with my sister friday night, and nothing cool really happened. Saturday afternoon I was home with puppy and Dan called me..first time in a few weeks. I got ready, he came over, I finished getting ready, and we headed out for lunch..little shopping at the mall, and then to his house for a little while before meeting Julie at the 99. We headed over to Mike's house after that..BUT he wasnt home yet, so we went to a parking lot and..got started on certain aspects of the night. Mike called, we went back to his house, went upstairs, went downstairs, played some pool, and then Mike and Dan went to go..buy..stuff, while Julie and I went back to her house to be crafty and clever. We all met back at Mikes about an hour and a half later and really got started..Played some 64, got my ass kicked..Played kings, totally DIDNT lose the king part, and played yet more pool. I went upstairs with Mike.

We went back down and watched a movie..everyone woke up after the movie and we spent an hour trying to find Denny's at 3 in the morning. Things seemed kindof tense between us. Julie and I went back to her house and Dan dropped Mike off and went home. I think.

I dont know. No feelings, that's the deal.

that's..always the deal.

Its all about enforcement.

drowning.

I..had such an incredible weekend. Saturday was..just..perfect. I got to hang out with Michelle, and Dan..We went to Jon's apartment. Fel and Jon's boy were there..Then Michelle went home, but Ceci showed up..Then her friend, who might have been James. It was just..nice. Being surrounded by friends. Friends. Thus far..None of them have done..anything horrible to me. I forgot what that felt like. Around 11:30, Julie picked me up. We went to Worm town with Mike and Sarah, drove around looking for something to do, gave up and went back to Julies after dropping off Sarah and Mike. Then we drank, all night. Natural high combined with drunkenness..It was beautiful. We had fun..I hope she had fun too..Just, a good time. Now..I just..feel like Im crashing. I forgot what it felt like to just be that happy, that content. Even before we were drinking, I was just high as hell, drug-free. Now...it's like coming down. From anything. Except amplified by a billion. Im just so sad. I..dont think Ive been this down since I started my job. I dont know how I handled feeling like this all the time last year. I just..want to lay down and die. I need a distraction...

Birds gotta fly, fish gotta swim.

I want to talk to Joel. I feel like he could make me feel better. Or atleast take my mind off things.

I had a fight about P with her earlier. Idunno. I told her I wasnt gonna go to his place with her anymore, for a while anyway, cuz I thought it was best that she not hang out with him 24/7 anymore..But obviously if she wants to theres nothing I can do except not..go. All the time. You know? I guess..I dont know. But she got mad at me..Yuck. who knows, man, who knows. I give up. I wanna talk to Joel. Bye.

♥me.

This is..unfortunate.

Well..I guess we'll see how this goes. I'm thinking this is going to be a total and complete secret. That was I can feel free to babble about whatever and whoever I want..and I think I'll start with..well who knows. Theres always Byron. I used to be pretty close to him, now he's a jerk. And hes a moron..But I suppose thats beside the point. I dont know. Theres a lot building up inside that's just really hard to express. My feelings about everyting that's happened lately..you know? Well I guess you dont know. It's just hard. Its been almost a year now that I've had to prepare, and more than three months to get used to...and I still..I have such attachment issues. I really want to blame Byron for this whole thing. I guess it helps for me to hate him. I have plenty of reason to dislike him, but maybe I hate him more than I should because I feel like my entire friendship with Michelle fell apart because of him. But of course...It does, inevitably, lead back to me. Sometimes I stand in my driveway, looking across the street at the space on the ground right next to my mailbox. I sat there one night, two or three days after Christmas '05..And I called Chad. I invited him to my house. He came with Byron, and thats when Michelle and I met him. Had I never been...had..If I hadnt done that..Nothing would have changed. We'd still be littered with good times...No heart breaking memories to worry about. Re-cap: I hate Byron because it helps me evade all the blame that would otherwise rest on my own shoulders.

In other news, this whole on/off liking Joel thing I've had for the past two years isn't going well. On and off as ever...But It's impossible to try and take it anywhere, because of how little we see each other. I wish I could see him more, but I dont have a liscense and he doesnt have a car. Annnd my pockets vibrating. Cheers. I guess thats good, because um..This topic is as dead as can be. Re-cap: I hate men.

I really cant wait until school lets out. I mean..I'll be working for most of the summer, but I'll be making a lot of money...And I'm leaving for Jersey at the end of the month. Definately a plus. I cant wait...God..It's total bliss. Spending my days walking the boardwalk, or on the beach..Water park, rides, whatever I want to do. All at my finger tips...Freedom at its very best. Nothing to worry about..I love it, so much. After summer is said and done I'll be a senior..Then of course comes college worries, Quinsig. Here I come! My SAT scores werent great, but whatever. Im taking them again in October..Hopefully I'll do better. Maybe I'll be able to just..start fresh in college. Leave the..remains of this..rediculous life pattern behind. Thats all it is anymore..Little scraps of the incredible life I had before. Everythings gone, its all wrong. I havent even graduated yet, and already my whole ..comfort zone is just..disintigrated. Like I said, maybe college..I can pick up something new. I dont know. Wish me luck?

Im gonna head up and clean out my box de lunch now I guess. Head out for one last butt then off to bed..Jen's graduation party is tomorrow, so that should be fun..Just have to get through the school/work part of the day first.

Adios, amigos.